The Mockingbird

Baseball Player Not Named in Mitchell Report

with 5 comments


In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves through the world of baseball, Zovat Andros, until now an unknown middle infielder languishing in the Toronto Blue Jays minor league system, was left completely unnamed by former Sen. George Mitchell in his long-awaited report on the use of steroids in baseball.

Coaches and teammates were stunned by the lack of allegations against Andros and quick to come to his defense. “I’m not going to comment until all the results are in,” said manager Nick Lupin to a crowded conference hall at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel.

Upon being informed that all the results were, in fact, in, he continued. “Ok, fine. I’ll comment. Zovat has been a great teammate and we’re all going to be there for him as he gets through this. Young athletes are under a lot of pressure and are sometimes tempted by the straight and narrow. Not everyone makes mistakes, but I firmly believe that everyone deserves a second chance.”

Initial reports indicate that in 2005 Andros was diagnosed with Pibelocremaxaphobia, a rare fear of needles, creams, pills and flaxseed oil which may have contributed to his negative result. However, Sen. Mitchell took this into account when conducting his investigation, and clearly states in his report that not even the slightest shred of anecdotal evidence of Andros using performance-enhancing substances before that time.

“Honestly, this took me totally by surprise,” said former friend and roommate Tinker Evans. “Now it makes sense. Whenever the team was breaking out a case of Nandrolone in the parking lot or having needle fights in the locker room he always made some excuse like he couldn’t find a vein or was off-cycle. But I never suspected that nothing was going on with him. His head wasn’t any smaller than the rest of the guys and he has some of the smallest testicles I’ve ever seen.”

Unfortunately, Zovat was unavailable for comment as he was released at the end of the 2006 season in which he batted .032/.062/.089 in rookie ball. Messages left at the gas station he is believed to be working at were not returned.

Written by halejon

December 13, 2007 at 9:58 am

5 Responses

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  1. […] [Time for some good ol’ fashioned mocking] […]

  2. A pint to who can tell me who that was in the picture originally. Hint: I bet a pint he’s in the report.


    December 13, 2007 at 10:10 am

  3. Eric Hinskie.


    December 13, 2007 at 3:03 pm

  4. They totally ripped me off.


    December 19, 2007 at 8:47 pm

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