Who are You, and What Have You Done With the Real Richard Griffin?!
So I wake up after noon after another crazy night living the celebrity blogger lifestyle (read: drinking alone in parents’ basement). The Drunks are mocking me for not posting this offseason (maybe I DID have AIDS, you insensitive bastards). Time for some easy blog filler – how about the old slam dunk of cutting apart some hack’s statistically uninformed statements out of context. YES! Richard Griffin has a new article up. Time to pour some coffee, sharpen the claws, and really dig in and enjoy this one.
Hmmm…solid intro. No random dumping on J.P.’s 5-year-world-series-guarantee yet. Reasonable assessment of current situation. Thinking about creative alternatives. *Checks byline*. Ok, he’s just warming us up for a real doozy. Pleasepleasepleaseplease trade-Snider-so-he-can-win-a-world-series-somewhere-else. I need this one.
Acquire JACK CUST?! But…but…he struck out 197 times last year! Strikeouts! That means he didn’t even put the ball in play weakly or run, he just missed it and walked back to the dugout, head hung in shame. That’s terrible for morale. No player could possibly be productive without trading groundouts slapped straight to the second baseman for nothing at all. No? No love for the infield pop-out? The rolled-over bay — I mean ball — two hopped to the second baseman for a double play?
Deep breaths. Sometimes you have to mine a little to strike the real gold, just push through. All-or-nothing not sneered at…sigh…100 walks brought up as a virtue…wait. On-base-plus-slugging?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? At least you misspelled it (OPA) but Jesus, Dick! What are you doing to me! You can’t walk in runs…errr…the Jays need to manufacture offense not swing for the fences…durrr…he’s a one-dimensional player…buhhh…Am I bringing back any memories? Snap out of it! Come back to the light! Don’t you dare leave me!
It’s all over. This is like Obama being elected for Jon Stewart. The Jays are doing less than nothing, pitch f/x is months away, and Richard fucking Griffin is quoting OPS. I’ll be in the basement getting high if you need me.