Thomas Willing to Change
As first reported by ESPN, in an effort to snap himself out of the early-season slump that has cost him his starting job, Frank Thomas has decided to do whatever it takes to get things rolling, going to far as to legally change his first name to Dennis.
“I’m not really a Tank any more, so Frank wasn’t working out for me”, said Dennis. “I had a lot of time to think today, and I realized that was the root of my problems. After 18 seasons, I need a new hitting identity- one that strikes fear into pitchers and makes a little more menacing at the plate. Then it hit me: I could be Dennis the Menace. It’s so cool- I’ll be hitting bombs again in no time”.