Canada Sends Troops to Sabotage Yankee Dynasty
In a brazen attempt at revenge for either the war of 1812 or the Yankees breaking baseball’s fiscal system and dominating the AL East since the last time the Blue Jays won a world series, on Friday night Joba Chamberlain was attacked on the mound by “Canadian Soldiers” in the bottom of a critical 8th inning.
Coming into the game to bail out Andy Pettite with one out in the 7th, Chamberlain seemed his usual invincible self in his first post-season appearance, retiring the two batters he faced with runners on first and second in dominant fashion. But as the next inning started, the northern troops descended onto Jacob’s field and turned the tide of a pitched battle in favour of the Native Americans. Although Chamberlain did not allow a hit, he walked two, hit one, and threw two wild pitches, the second of which allowed the tying run to score.
In the 9th, the troops began to fall back, allowing Fausto Carmona to strike out Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez to end the Yankee threat and complete his 9-inning masterpiece. There was one unfortunate friendly-fire incident when a Canadian dive-bombed Kenny Lofton’s eye, mistaking him for an elder US stateman. The Cleveland Indians took advantage of the turn of events and went on to win the game with a bases loaded single by Travis Hafner in the bottom of the 11th.
US reaction to the Canuck agression was swift. Fighter Jets were scrambled in an attempt to counter the aerial invaders, and a reported 3,781,542 Canadian casualties were reported, most coming in vicious hand-to-hand combat in the bleachers. Reports of chemical warfare were also reported, although the use of the controlled substance DEET against civilians was quickly denied. Fearing retaliation, the Toronto Blue Jays have been evacuated to a secret heavily reinforced concrete bunker code-named “The Rogers Centre”.