The Mockingbird

Conspiracy Theory

with 3 comments

I’m on to you Shawn. You and your little buddy Casey. I know you want everyone to be carried away by your unexpected success, your absolute trouncing of anyone’s predictions for your ability and ceiling as a starter and not think back to what got you your chance, not even question how you went from one of our best pitchers to season scapegoat and back again in a matter of a month. But it’s all making sense now.

There you were, sitting in the bullpen as they gave Towers another chance, Ohka a few too many. Heck, they even tossed Zambrano out there who had been gathering dust so long in the bullpen you thought he was the backup catcher. Did anyone remember that you had shown potential at the end of last season and were promised a shot at fighting for the 5th spot? No- they were blinded by spring training numbers and some pitchers who had last put up good numbers when you were in college.

It burned you out there. You were leading the team in K’s out of the bullpen, for chrissakes! And the great solution to the team’s pitching woes? Leave the guy who hasn’t given up a run all season and has a strange birthmark on his head that reads “future closer” as the long man and give you and Casey a shot at closing, where you can’t establish your 4 pitches or really throw your changeup at all.

So you devised a devious plan. Blow up in such amazing, disastrous, back-to-back blown games fashion that they would have no choice but to send you down to Syracuse where you would no doubt start over as a starter. You conspired to take management of the team into your own hands, to rip off the band-aid of crappy veterans in one quick pull and expose the youth movement. You arranged for Casey to pitch his face off so they wouldn’t think they needed to hold you around to eat up innings, and threw a couple of meatballs to Ramirez and Tejada. Almost instantly you went from the best option out there to the target of immediate demands for DFA from ignorant fans across the country. And you just sat back and smiled, didn’t you?

captb96c7f94cdf84b178959794f0d81b8b0nationals_blue_jays_baseball_ajw104.jpg

(Is this the face of a man you can trust?)

As it turned out, things worked out even better and quicker than you could have imagined and for some reason (the plot thickens…do you have incriminating pictures of someone??) they decided to throw your shellshocked corpse into the rotation right away. You sped up the schedule on your little plot and instantly (suspiciously!) threw 6 no-hit innings…

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(Artist’s Conception)

…to cement your spot in the rotation. The rest is history. You are back to being amazing and really have been more of a surprise and a better contributor so far than headline-grabbing McGowan. Our rotation is the best it has been in a decade since we took the plunge and had some faith in youth. But I’m on to you, and will tell the world what you’ve done if you even THINK of returning to the 5th starter you’ve been projected to be your entire career…

Written by halejon

June 27, 2007 at 4:58 pm

Posted in Baseball, Blue Jays

Tagged with , , ,

3 Responses

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  1. What about the conspiracy theory that JohnnyMac is actually the starting SS, but they just haven’t told him yet.

    I think Royce is getting suspicious, and he might blow this whole thing wide open any day now and ruin the best SS we’ve had in years (Chris Woodward – hang your head in shame).

    I have one thing for your Royce, know your role! We’re paying a cool mil, to trick the side of JohnnyMac’s brain that contains all the “can’t handle the Prime Time cells”, that he’s not the #1 guy. And all that means, is dressing every day, doing some stretches, a couple fielding drills, look pretty and collect that fat wad of cash every 15 days.

    I know you can do it – don’t spoil a good thing.

    Dan

    June 29, 2007 at 2:40 am

  2. Don’t forget the Matt Stairs conspiracy. First it’s Reed Johnson that goes down, then it’s Lyle OverJay.

    I’ve always said Stairs looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin. He’s the power lefty bat we’ve been trying to acquire.

    hroman

    June 29, 2007 at 2:28 pm

  3. I think Johnny Mac might be getting a bit too close to the truth- he went 0fer and made a pretty brutal error last night. Time to suit up Clayton again…maybe we can replace him with a “defensive” substitution in say…the third?

    You mean like Stairs has been giving them suplexes to get himself more at-bats? I can live with that.

    Jon

    June 29, 2007 at 5:40 pm


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