Well, this hurts- but who am I to snap the string of masterpieces from Jays starters since I started dishing it out?
Dustin, you’re a tool. God/Darwin gave you a 98 mph fastball and a curve that buckles my knees just thinking about it, but it’s been all downhill from there. Sure I’ll give you a bit of a break for those injuries and it takes time to command explosive stuff, but you’ve been in a major-league camp 5 freaking times now and failed to impress anyone but the radar gun. We even signed a bunch of soft-tossers and then decided to give Josh Towers another shot at the 5th spot in the rotation instead of considering you at all this year. Then we begged the league to let us keep you down in the minors for another year.
So you finally get your big chance to prove us wrong due to an amazingly timed combination of demotion and injury, and in your first game the team spots you a 4-run lead. You’re cruising along on 15 pitches through 2 innings, but after walking 9 guys ALL YEAR in AAA, you decided to start handing out free passes in the third and donk off the game. Things go a little better in your second start and your ERA plummets to 7.59. Lefties are hitting .450 off you this season!
Don’t make me get started on your little “maybe I’d be more comfortable if I hid out in the bullpen for a while” debacle. Seriously, you’re starting to make Burnett look like a positive role model.
And what exactly are you doing in this picture? Gritting your teeth or doing one of those fake model smiles?
I’ll bet you won’t even go 6 innings in this start. Or strike anyone out. Or get your first win. Yeah, you heard me. What are you going to do about it?