The Mockingbird

Vernon Wells Glad to Have a Lot More Money

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After belting his first home run of spring training, Vernon Wells seemed relaxed and confident in the clubhouse. “I’ve been waiting to try my new skills out,” said the newly impossibly-rich centre fielder. “This offseason was very important for me, and not just because I raked in more money than many small countries do in a year. I really wanted to get this deal done because it instantly makes me a better player. “

As most fans know, signing a player to a huge, multi-year contract instantly propels them from the rank of “really good player” to “club superstar”, making them faster than before, stronger than ever, and able to leap club records in a single season. “Sometimes last year I would see a hanging curve from someone making twice as much as me, and think – oh, but I’m just a 5-mil guy,” said Wells. “But now I stand tall- I’m one of the top 10 paid players of all time, and I’ll (really) show you why, (opponent)!”

A.J. Burnett also agreed on the instantaneous effect of a cash injection : “Totally, man. As soon as that 55 million was deposited into my bank account, my right arm just started bulging. It was like something out of the Incredible Hulk. I was like, “dude, that’s awesome!” as my shirt split open. Unfortunately when I started throwing in spring training, I overdid it- it takes a while to get used to your new super powers.”


Written by halejon

March 7, 2007 at 11:53 pm

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  1. Thanks to Dick Griffin on this one:

    — The rehab of Jays set-up man Brandon League continues, but the final look of the Jays bullpen will not be clear until the final week of spring training. The team may be forced to find someone else to work the ball to closer B.J. Ryan in the short term.
    “When we leave, we’ll be confident in that guy,” Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi said. “Hopefully, after the first week we’ll still have confidence in that guy.”

    Um, yeah, I hope so too…


    March 9, 2007 at 7:18 pm

  2. Haha- great confidence…when the season starts I’m going to do a lot of Riccardi-English translations. For instance, when I read that I hear “B.J. Ryan is our new setup man”…


    March 9, 2007 at 7:37 pm

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