The Mockingbird

It Begins

with 3 comments

Spring training has begun. Thirty pitches into bullpen sessions and hopes are high and definitive projections for the season have begun. This just in…


REUTERS, FL – Early start reaps rewards: Fifteen pitches into his first bullpen session, Toronto Blue Jays starter A.J. Burnett called an abrupt end to his throwing regimen. “No, don’t worry,” he told the gathering crowd of reporters. “I just feel too good. There’s no point in throwing until my first start, really. I get it now. I don’t know what I was thinking back when I was hot and cold and frustratingly mediocre over a full season.” Back in the clubhouse, Gregg Zaun was equally enthusiastic: “I just told him to pull himself together and get his head in the game, and he was like ‘oh, ok’. He’s a new man- I don’t even think I’ll have to call pitches this year.”

Optimism was also high for Tomo Ohka, who after an intense and highly secretive offseason with Japanese scientists perfecting the legendary gyroball was declared “unhittable” by Jays starters in batting practice. “It’s like he can control that pitch with his mind”, said a befuddled Vernon Wells. “Ever since I signed my giant contract I’ve become stronger, faster, smarter, and have stopped swinging at the first pitch, but he’s the only guy I don’t take yard every time I connect. It’s uncanny.”

But none of this could compare to the surprise at seeing Frank Thomas still towering, but no longer hobbling after his highly-controversial offseason surgery. The new Jays slugger underwent a “full-body” transplant, replacing each of his aging limbs with cloned appendages taken from his DNA and grown in the lab to the age of 28. “Yeah, that’s right,” the Big Hurt announced to the spring training crowd. “I’m in my prime again. Who’s going to make 600 now, bitches?”

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Written by halejon

February 26, 2007 at 4:29 am

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  1. Today’s sign that the apocalypse is upon us. Marginal Ranger’s reliever, C.J. Wilson has also decided to jump on the “gyroball bandwagon”. Good thing his other novelty pitch “the cork” is already a huge success with AL hitters. Clearly, this one’s already going down in history with Steve Hamilton’s ‘Folly Floater’ and Jose Canseco’s knuckler.

    And every pitch Josh Towers threw in 2006.


    February 26, 2007 at 8:12 pm

  2. It must be a huge advantage to have a pitch that nobody has ever seen, and that nobody can agree on what it does. I’ve heard it’s like a changeup, a slider, a screwball, a cutter, Tezuka himself said it shouldn’t move at all and that it was Pedro Martinez’s fastball. It’s the invisible pitch!!! Batters will be trotting around the bases shaking their heads in wonder…was THAT the gyroball??


    February 26, 2007 at 9:09 pm

  3. I think it’s like shooting fish in a barrel to mock sports reporting, especially reporting on the Blue Jays. But the sooner people get loaded the better, eh?

    D Samoyloff

    February 27, 2007 at 7:09 pm

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