Winning Sports Journalism from Toronto’s Most Repected Newspaper
Update: Today the Jays held a coaches meeting and actually announced the obvious about Romero, while stating that “The final two members of the staff likely won’t be announced until the final week of Spring Training,” as Farrell wants to see as much of them as possible before making a final decision. Boooo-ring. It’s bracket time. “(Litsch and Drabek are officially)…The final two members of the staff…(but that)…won’t be announced (to anyone other than me) until the final week of Spring Training.” SCOOPVILLE!!
Today the Mockingbird brings you inside the latest inside scoop, with a word-for-word transcript of the inner workings of star reporter Mike Rutsey of the Toronto Sun as he gleans a major scoop on the Jays’ rotation from a seemingly innocuous series of quotes from Blue Jays’ manager, John Farrell.
Farrell: “To say who’s one, who’s two and three and so on, I don’t know where we’re at the point of designating those guys or are really ready to announce our opening day starter…”
Ok, so you really want to dodge making any kind of statement about the rotation, even who the opening day starter is going to be, despite the fact that everyone already knows. I get it. You hate us reporters. You want me to starve. Because two weeks of spring training just isn’t enough for you to make major decisions about the makeup of your first club, nooooooo…
“But at the same time you look to arrive at some kind of contrast of style, to split up the lefties that have effective changeups, yeah, you’d like to get some power (Brandon Morrow) in between those two…”
Yeah, yeah…standard manager boilerplate. If you have a choice, go lefty-righty-lefty, or soft-hard-soft. Any other revelations, like you’re thinking of putting a guy who steals 50 bases in the leadoff spot? Maybe you’re going to let someone else hit for the pitcher this year? I’m staying in a seedy motel 6 in Ft. Fucking Myers for this?
“We’d also like to get a power arm in the five spot preceding Ricky the next time through, or whoever that might be….”
Gaaaaaaaaaaa…..this is going nowhere. You won’t even trick yourself into referring to Ricky as the #1, you wily bastard. And while obviously Drabek’s power arm (although you could be thinking Zach Stewart) is eventually going to break into the rotation as a great #5, since he’s only pitched two innings this spring there’s not a chance you’re going to make a call on whether such a young kid is ready as that would have huge ramifications for him, as well as the rest of the guys duking it out for the last two spots. So you’re being vague and rambling about that fast-slow garbage again in the hopes that I’ll go away. Can I at least get a crowd-pleasing comment about opening up the running game this year? No???
You know what I’d wish you’d said? Something definitive along the lines of the opening day honour officially going to Romero and the hot prospect having made the team. People love scoops like that. Oh, what the hell. I’m a baseball Journalist, not a blogger! We don’t just relay news, we make it! Let’s have some fun with the ol’ interpretive brackets. Drabek confirmation, in. Romero set in stone, in. Twice. BAM!
“We’d also like to get a power arm in the five spot (Kyle Drabek) preceding Ricky (the No. 1 starter) the next time through, or whoever that might be (too late, the rabbit’s out of the hat).
Now that is a serious improvement right there. Way to go, Mikey! They give you shit to work with, and you manage to excrete pure gold. Now if only he had said (or not said) anything about the race I just decided just got a lot tighter for the last spot between that yo-yo guy, and Rzy…Rezpy…Rpez…oh fuck it, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be Litsch. I already wrote an article about how he says he’s “feeling strong“, so it’s basically a lock, anyway.
He will be followed by Morrow, then Cecil, then Litsch, or whomever, and then Drabek.
Wow. It all fits together so perfectly – almost as if it were some sort of fantastical preconceived notion. Now all we need a sign-off that sounds pithy and so ridiculously overconfident that this is what Farrell actually meant that if he calls me on it, I can bail and say I was just kind of joking and speculating wildly, and that it was a “tip”, i.e, my loosely-drawn opinion, and not the actual first-hand information with any kind of weight to it that people will no doubt take it for as it is redistributed widely across the internet.
So it is written, so it shall be.
Boo-yeah! That’ll teach you to dodge reporters’ questions for the sake of the team, you stupid manager! Exactly what you refused to come out and say is now splashed across the internet as fact! From now on when I come knocking, you’d better tell me what I want to write, and what people are clamoring to hear. Or else. Eat. My. Brackets.