The Mockingbird

Don’t Touch That Monkey

with 5 comments

Former Blue Jays troublemaker Shea Hillenbrand’s three-year old son was yesterday a few weeks ago by a pet Lemur. Unable to find work this offseason, Shea has moved on to starting his own petting zoo, a plan that would now seem to be on hold. You can here the chilling 911 call here-

Hold on. You in the back. Show some class. This is not at all amusing. This is a young child we’re talking about here, no doubt traumatized by having his finger bitten down to the bone. There is nothing intrinsically funny about Monkey Assault, just because this particular primate has large goofy eyes more associated with friendly cartoon animals than savage creatures. Anything could have happened.

In other news, as a result of this vicious attack, the Blue Jays have decided to avoid any potential clubhouse injuries to their already star-crossed team by ditching their plans to purchase a Marmoset, instead deciding to acquire a less cool, but much less dangerous animal in the form of a rabbit, like this one seen here:

*chuckle*

Oh, !@#!@#.

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Written by halejon

April 18, 2008 at 5:36 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Shea’s ship has sailed and he’s stocking it with two of every living creature?

    johnny was

    April 18, 2008 at 7:07 pm

  2. man oh man.
    you couldn’t make up that sorta story if you tried.

    Harold

    April 19, 2008 at 9:44 am

  3. Yeah, and the even funnier thing is that IS the kind of story I try to make up.

    halejon

    April 19, 2008 at 10:26 am

  4. ” . . . this particular primate has large goofy eyes more associated with friendly cartoon animals than savage creatures” AND an enviable set of choppers.

    Does anyone know whether the lemur was male or female?

    D Samoyloff

    April 19, 2008 at 12:35 pm

  5. Female. Males make terrible pets.

    Roomie

    April 23, 2008 at 7:52 pm


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